The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
