I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
