I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
