I cannot find my penis.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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