a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
