Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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