i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
