you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
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