I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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