I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
