Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
