I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
How does one acquire holy water?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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