Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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