Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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