If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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