It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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