It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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