i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
