The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
whose parrot is this?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
