shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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