Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
