You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
