Your mouth is God's brothel.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
