I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
