my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
