I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
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