im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
