there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Randomize
