Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
