You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I love you. Go after that dick
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
