dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
