I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
