Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
