Someone shit on the floor
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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