So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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