just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She's the barista slut.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
