Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
