you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
