Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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