all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
