im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
