And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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