i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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