drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
