Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
