Banned from zoo.
Again?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
foreskin is a definite game changer
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
