dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Randomize
