I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
