True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
