I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
